Limitations

Lately, I've been feeling very limited by my surroundings -- and I hate it.

I chose to go to two universities which are ancient and established with rigid and rigorous programs. But I honestly believed that if I worked hard enough, I would have the power to change what I needed to get the experience I wanted. I'd had success doing that in Harvard and in Amherst; why would Edinburgh or Sciences Po be any different?

I greatly overestimated my capabilities.

I'm absolutely sick of taking the same classes again and again. It feels like I'm in my own Groundhog Day hell, where every single class I take is a slight variation of "what is international relations in the 20th century?" It's the same theories, the same academics, the same case studies, again and again and again. Aside from the Turkish class that I took last year at Edinburgh, I can only think of ONE class I have enjoyed and gotten a lot out of: last semester's Military and the State in the Middle East. One politics class. Out of three years.

And you know what, I just DON'T CARE anymore. I can't make myself care. And I hate that I have become complacent and uncaring and unmotivated. I want to learn things that are exciting and relevant to today's world. As much as I can understand the value of academia and theoretical papers, to an extent, I truly think it is overrated. It's not changing anything; it's not affecting any decisions; it's not helping anyone who needs help. The time spent studying these theories could instead be studying ways to change the world and tackle the very relevant global issues that are now facing us. But no, lets discuss the differences between realism/liberalism/constructivism FOR A THIRD YEAR IN A ROW. I'm sure that will help us address climate change, global poverty, the refugee crisis, and terrorism!

The last straw came yesterday. I had originally picked out some great courses for my second semester at Sciences Po. Iran in the international system, the Rwandan genocide, gender and development, sustainable development....just to name a few. I was so excited. This was what I had been waiting for! Interesting, relevant, exciting coursework!

As it happens, registration at Sciences Po happens in the span of about 10 minutes online. By the time I got registered for my compulsory Edinburgh courses (Theories of IR, for instance...God forbid I go a semester without some IR theory...) all of my other options had been taken up. I frantically got whatever was left that had some relevance to my studies.

I now have:

• Theories of IR (compulsory)
• European Central Banking (compulsory)
• Gender and Queer Law
• History of American Conservatism
• Urban Sociology
• World Politics

It sucks. It all sucks. Theories of IR is the same-old snoozefest, though made slightly more lively by the inappropriate and rude jackass of a professor. Banking, I could not care less. GQL is less about debating ideas than about seeing who can use "social construct" the most times in a sentence and then reference ancient laws. American Conservatism is actually pretty good, but it's a self-serving course -- I won't take anything away from it that will help in later coursework. Urban Sociology is a nightmare, with 200+ pages of reading a week and the entire grade based on a group paper that we write based on interviews and observations of immigrants (our group decided to study Indian immigrants, because "they'll be more likely to speak English." WHAT?) And World Politics is another same-old snoozefest.

Okay, so this is already pretty bad. And then I find out yesterday -- in WEEK THREE of the semester at a school where there is no add/drop period -- that actually, for Edinburgh, I needed to be only taking "IR" classes, and as I was taking Law, History, and Sociology, they would not count. Consequently, these miserable classes would count as my "outside" courses for third and fourth year, and so next year I cannot take ANY outside courses. Only IR courses. For the whole year. For my final, final year at uni, while I'm writing my dissertation on ANYTHING BUT IR theory...I will only be studying strict IR.

I just...there's nothing I can do, you know? And that's what sucks. Ever since I found out the system of Edinburgh classes (very strict for years 1 and 2, less strict for 3 and 4), I have been looking forward to taking the few interesting classes that Edinburgh offers. There are amazing professors that I've never gotten to have, discussing topics that I care so much about and that I may want to do my dissertation on. And now I won't get to experience any of that, because I got fucked over in registering during my year abroad.

I just wish requirements for course selection abroad was made more clear.
I wish the distinction between degrees at Edinburgh was made more clear -- it seems like "Politics" students get way more flexibility than "IR" students. Silly me, thinking there wasn't really a difference because up til now all of our classes have been identical.
I wish the true extent of Edinburgh's strictness were made clear to international students before we confirmed.
I wish I could change any of these things, and I wish I could be having the individual, tailored educational experience that so many of my friends in the US are having. I understand, it's two different structures of education, and both have merit. I just think I chose the wrong one.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to do what I can to change all of the issues I'm facing. I'll be flying to Edinburgh in a couple weeks, and I'm going to meet with all of the relevant faculty that I possibly can to argue my case.

I just wish it weren't so damn hard to do everything all the time.